Skip to main content
Humanities LibreTexts

Dear Ash - by Ashley Partida

  1. Last updated
  2. Save as PDF
  • Page ID
    201917

    • \( \newcommand{\vecs}[1]{\overset { \scriptstyle \rightharpoonup} {\mathbf{#1}} } \) \( \newcommand{\vecd}[1]{\overset{-\!-\!\rightharpoonup}{\vphantom{a}\smash {#1}}} \)\(\newcommand{\id}{\mathrm{id}}\) \( \newcommand{\Span}{\mathrm{span}}\) \( \newcommand{\kernel}{\mathrm{null}\,}\) \( \newcommand{\range}{\mathrm{range}\,}\) \( \newcommand{\RealPart}{\mathrm{Re}}\) \( \newcommand{\ImaginaryPart}{\mathrm{Im}}\) \( \newcommand{\Argument}{\mathrm{Arg}}\) \( \newcommand{\norm}[1]{\| #1 \|}\) \( \newcommand{\inner}[2]{\langle #1, #2 \rangle}\) \( \newcommand{\Span}{\mathrm{span}}\) \(\newcommand{\id}{\mathrm{id}}\) \( \newcommand{\Span}{\mathrm{span}}\) \( \newcommand{\kernel}{\mathrm{null}\,}\) \( \newcommand{\range}{\mathrm{range}\,}\) \( \newcommand{\RealPart}{\mathrm{Re}}\) \( \newcommand{\ImaginaryPart}{\mathrm{Im}}\) \( \newcommand{\Argument}{\mathrm{Arg}}\) \( \newcommand{\norm}[1]{\| #1 \|}\) \( \newcommand{\inner}[2]{\langle #1, #2 \rangle}\) \( \newcommand{\Span}{\mathrm{span}}\)\(\newcommand{\AA}{\unicode[.8,0]{x212B}}\)

    Dear Ash,

    Please know that I write this with blood on my pen. I was 8 when I was red in the face for a boy and 9 when I realized I couldn’t trust him because I was terrified he might turn out like dad. I don’t remember you much from elementary years, only fragments of when I was in a new state again and I couldn’t figure out why I was afraid of a room full of people. 13 when I finally figured out why.

    I couldn’t stand looking in the mirror, afraid I’d see their words written in my reflection as if they’re not already engraved in my mind. I blamed you for being unable to speak up, for cowering away, for being afraid. So I played with fire so often that I started building a house of ice. A sublime change occurred then and I’m not talking about the color of my hair. I became someone I do not recognize.The girl I used to be was crushed by the woman I am now.

    I was in high school when I started realizing you and I were no longer one. A painful process, our flesh ripping at the seams and I couldn’t feel anything anymore, not even the sweet resonate of an ache. I became cruel. I resented you, the little girl with pink ribbons in her hair.  I did not move freely anymore, rather I had delicate threads kneaded into my skin, roughly pulling me away from you. I used to cry out in pain each time. Cries turned into screams turned unto whimpers and are now nothing but soft whispers in my head. I was in a constant battle with you, people around me no longer wore faces. That’s how I lived from then on. A blade lodged in my heart each time someone tried to get close to me.

    I was 18 in a different state when I started licking my wounds. I began missing you. I didn’t want the last memories of us to be tainted with the malicious colors of my pride. I reminisced about the beautiful memories of who I used to be, but they are starting to decay at the corners. I am 20 now, and I am still feeling the ripples of what was done to me years ago. Don’t get me wrong, I still laugh and I indulge as if the color of my mistakes isn't staining the future. I ignore my hands trembling as I try to reach out to you. I’ll find you again, little Ash. I'll find you in the swirling summer air, in the sound of rushing cars, in the crevices of my scars, I promise I’ll get to you one day.

    Until then,

    Ashley

    • Mental Health has been on a decline and has been called a “silent epidemic” since.
    • In 2021, 60% of college students suffered from mental health issues.
    • There has been a 40% increase in students seeking help and is still increasing since the pandemic.
    • Since there was a spike in caseloads, there is no funding to cover it.

    Work Cited:

    Abrams, Zara. “Student Mental Health Is in Crisis. Campuses Are Rethinking Their Approach.” Monitor on Psychology, American Psychological Association, 1 Oct. 2022, https://www.apa.org/monitor/2022/10/mental-health-campus-care).

    Author's Note:

    I want other people to be able to express themselves through short letters like these. As I mentioned previously, mental health is an extremely personal topic for me and I wish I can do more to help others.

    My initial purpose for this letter is to inspire others to do the same and learn from their past. My goal is to acknowledge what has happened because it is a great way to start the journey of self-healing and inner peace.

    Dear Ash - by Ashley Partida is shared under a CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Ashley Partida at Pima Community College.