Dear Sommer - by Sommer Quezada

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Dear Sommer,

I hope this letter finds you well. So many things have happened to you in the life you have lived. I would like you to know that you were never alone and that may of people have experienced the depression you have experienced. I would like for you to know that we found a way to wake up in the morning even when we didn’t want to, we figured out that eating more than a meal a day is more beneficial than not, and we found out ways to cope with these feelings positively instead of acting on negative impulses. Most importantly, we figured out that there is more to life than feeling like were almost stuck in this life with no way out.

What was hard to us in the beginning was not knowing what was so different about our brain. I like to think it all started for us when our parents got divorced. I remember how it felt when we would see them arguing and how it was confusing seeing them the next day cuddling on the couch. I also think that’s what I thought love was, arguing horrendously and then acting as if nothing happened. What we later found out is that this is toxicity and not healthy. After this it all seemed to go downhill. Once our mother found a new husband, we were left to fend for ourselves because she didn’t seem to care anymore. This made us independent at a very young age. There would be days when all we ate were 99 cent store whale crackers, we were only 13.

Once we got into high school, we tried to be better. We got into cross country, soccer, track and tried to get better grades than we did in middle school. Who would’ve known that high school would be worse than middle school. The only interaction with our mom we ever had was horrific arguing. Our father was a control freak and a master manipulator; no where we would go ever felt safe. We looked up to our best friend’s mother as our own mother because even they knew your home life wasn’t great. At 15 and 16 years old we were never home. Although our father had some negative traits, he was the only parent who would provide for you.

When we turned 17 you know everything changed. Our father left and moved to a different state for a job leaving you with just your mother. I know he was reluctant to leave you here in Tucson and begged you to move with him but starting over in another state sounded scarier than living with you mother, so you stayed. At this point in our lives our mother let us do whatever we wanted and just stopped caring all together. This is when we were introduced to drugs and a boy who would leave you with emptiness and relationship PTSD. From 17 to 19 years old life was all about going through the motions. We started failing school, failing college, failed friendships, and failing overall as a person. We didn’t know how far in life we were going to make it.

Finally, after all the hardships in life, we decided to finally turn ourselves around. We started making healthier choices and not acting on impulse, for example instead of turning to drugs when something triggering happens, we talk about what is bothering us, We got rid of the people who were in our lives that had a negative impact on us, We got our first apartment after being in plenty of homes that never really felt like homes, we met a man who we are in love with and we just celebrated our two years together, we now have two cats finally after begging for that companionship since I was 8 years old, and we finally have a stable job and are excelling in college. Look at us! Who would’ve thought.

The main reason why I am writing this to you, is to tell you I am so proud of YOU. You wanted better for yourself, and I am so happy you put in the effort and admitted you needed help when you did. I know admitting you needed help was the toughest thing you ever had to do, but I’m glad you did because I am not sure if we would even be here now if you didn’t. This is all we ever wanted for ourselves, is to feel ok. Never forget how you got here, by going to therapy, by working through our issues, by realizing and understanding what we are going through, by forgiving by never forgetting, and by knowing that there is so much more to life than depression and mental illness. If we had never used these tools; life could have very well ended, if not that you would be here today stuck in the same cycle. YOU are more than your illness. If we can help others who are going through what we are with the same tools you used to help you get through this, then it’s a life worth living. I am glad we never gave up, and I want you to share your story, even if it only helps one person. You are strong, you are in control of YOUR life, and most of all, you deserve to be happy regardless of the circumstances you have been given.

Be easy on yourself. Continue to do great things.

With so much love,

Yourself, Sommer Quezada