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My Boys - by Kendel Holdorf

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  • Page ID
    178439

    • Kendel Holdorf at Pima Community College
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    My Boys,

    I cannot express the love I have for you enough. To watch you all grow individually into your own personalities makes me smile. I’m writing this to you to better explain an issue I not only struggle with, but many moms do, and I’ll try my best. There’s an inner illness a lot of people struggle with and sometimes it is hard to see, but doesn’t mean it’s not there, and it’s called depression. It means that someone is very sad, or they are not motivated to do the things they enjoy anymore.

    This doesn’t mean I love you boys or love spending time with you any less, it means I feel I must work harder at staying happy. It is a constant battle in my own head and heart to be genuinely happy majority of the time. When I was 15, I started the war I continue now with depression and anxiety. It quickly turned into postpartum depression when Julian was born. That does not make it your fault at all, it is an unfortunate event that about 600,000 women per year get after having a baby. This type of depression is very hormonal based rather than chemical and can eventually go away. When the twins came along, I went through it again, which was not easy and as someone who already had depression this was something I knew I could and still can overcome. The great thing is that there are medications that can help ease depression and help increase this chemical in your brain, called serotonin, which helps uplift your mood and suppress the depression or anxiety.  

    This illness is something that can be passed on, if it is something common with family, it can happen to you too. That does not mean any of you will feel this way as well, but it means if you do, don’t let it bring you down. Always understand there are resources, not just medication but professionals to talk to. Remembering that you are not alone and that the many people suffering from the same issues are feeling almost the same way you are. It’s a problem some more than others, must face in our world, but there are so many options to help overcome it.

    There are so many avenues to take to overcoming these dark thoughts or alone feelings. I’m not sure what you will grow up to be interested in quite yet but if I were to guess now, for you Julian, helping you out of a depression would be to read a book, play with your little brothers, or cuddle. Roman, I can only imagine you’ll have an interest in anything that is loud since you are the loudest little screecher we have in the house. As for you Atti, it would probably be just hanging out with your mom or dad that would make you feel better. What helps me is to either take a bath, nap, or watch funny movies. These are huge things that help my mind stop dwelling in the bad, and take it to a nicer, calmer place to relax me.

    I work hard every day at making sure I can be the best and most loving mother to you three. Not every day is a success story, but nothing brings me more joy than seeing you, Julian, Roman, and Atticus grow into the amazing men you’ll be one day. If you find yourselves falling into the same dark minded state I have, just know you are not alone and I will always be here to guide you and help you back to your motivation in life. I love you boys with every fiber in my body, and depression could never change that.

    Love,

    Mom

    This page titled My Boys - by Kendel Holdorf is shared under a CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Kendel Holdorf at Pima Community College.