5.10: List Essay

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A list essay is just what it sounds like – an essay in the shape of a list. It’s a detailed list with a focus, and sometimes list essays are humorous or sarcastic in nature. This genre typically mimics these two popular web sites = thoughtcatalog.com and mcsweeneys.com. On these sites, writers post essays, and sometimes those essays are in the form of hilarious/sarcastic lists.

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“10 Ways to Get Rid of a Date”\(^{120}\)

Keep it wide open.

When you’re on a date that you regret more than anything else in the world, you have to get rid of that person somehow. And no one wants to see the food on the plate in your big, wide open mouth falling out as you talk. This is the exact reason for doing it. Chew with full swing of the jaw, maybe even throw in a little cough or laugh so the food goes anywhere but your mouth.

Let the music take you away.

There is always going to be that one “OMG I LOVE THIS SONG” moment. Use it to your advantage. When one is trying to be all alone with just the two of you, get up and get moving! Swing those arms like you’re a helicopter, jump up and down like you used to at those middle school dances, scream at the top of your lungs, “I LOVE THIS SONG!” Shake your head back and forth so your hair is all messy, even try break dancing, hey you never know how well that one might go for you. It’s bound to make that date be so embarrassed that they wouldn’t think twice about calling you again. If you really want to embarrass one, make sure you dance at a place that doesn’t even have music, that’s guaranteed to get a rise out of the person.

“So what’s your take on zebras?”

Awkward conversations are never forgotten and will sometimes define the time you had. The more awkward it is the better chance you have of never seeing this person again. Bring up things like “so did you see me dog lick himself when you were waiting for me?” or when you have to go to the bathroom try “you might want to go wait somewhere else, it can get kind of loud in here…” When the waiter comes to take your order ask many, many questions. “What do you recommend, what do these five things have in them, are you allergic to anything?”

What to do with those hands…

Well, there’s always a nose you can put your fingers in. That should embarrass your date enough, but if you want to take it farther there are a few other things to do. Complement your dates face and how nice and fresh it looks. Give it a nice big stretch and squeeze of the cheeks, maybe even a slap when you’re done touching it all over. You can also scratch yourself. Scratch anywhere. On the legs, neck, face, arms, in the places where only you should scratch…that’s something no one really wants to see that, but if it’s going to work why not do it.

Have a staring contest.

Look right into those big, beautiful (or ugly) eyes and don’t even think of looking away. When you’re asked a question, just keep staring. Put on a creepy smile and pull the corners of your mouth all the way up to your ears. Your date won’t know what to do with an awkward smile moment that never ends because there is no response coming with that smile.

Shrek always said “better out than it.”

Don’t try to be that polite person. If you have a burp, you better let it out. You never know what it’s going to be like so just let it go. If the burp ends up being way louder than you thought it would be, then that’s really good. But if it is, you better make sure you say “Did you hear that one!” If it’s quiet you should probably let your date know that you can do way better than that and you’ll have one to top that real soon.

Emotions get the best of us.

Whether you’re a guy or a girl, everyone still cries. You might not have something to cry about but don’t stop those tears from coming. While your eating, in the middle of a conversation just break down. Start bawling, over reacting, saying your ex’s name (make one up if you don’t have one), and making a scene. But this can only last for so long. Give the show about three minutes then you’re a happy peach again.

Crushes.

Nobody wants to hear how anyone is better looking than them, whether it’s a celebrity or someone you know. Talk about how cute or hot someone is and that you would “so much rather be with that person but you will have to do for now.” Talk about how their smile isn’t as nice, their teeth are a bit crooked, their skin is a bit too pale or too tan for your liking, how you don’t really like anything at all about their personality. Pull up that picture you have on your phone and show him/her how good that person looks.

Pay more attention to your surroundings than your date.

When you’re in a restaurant, you’re obviously going to have other people sitting around you. Focus all your attention on the people next to you. Begin with talking to your date about what the people ordered. Tell him unhealthy it is for them and that they should order something better. Say that what they are wearing doesn’t look good and that you could’ve picked something better out. Then just start talking to the people next to you and ignore your date all together.

\(^{120}\)This gem, by Whitney, was written in the Fall of 2012; it’s licensed CC-BY-NC-SA. It has been edited slightly to fit in the space.