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4.9: Revising Your Draft (Part 2)

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  • Sample Research Paper

    Jorge Ramirez

    Professor Thompson

    English 1101

    1 May 2014

    Beyond the Hype: Evaluating Low-Carb Diets

    Picture this: standing in the aisle of your local grocery store, you see an overweight man nearby staring at several brands of ketchup on display. After deliberating for a moment, he reaches for the bottle with the words “Low-Carb!” displayed prominently on the label. Is he making a smart choice that will help him lose weight and enjoy better health—or is he just buying into the latest diet fad? Over the past decade, increasing numbers of Americans have jumped on the low-carb bandwagon. Regardless of whether or not low-carb diets are most effective for weight loss, their potential benefits for weight loss must be weighed against other long-term health outcomes such as hypertension, the risk of heart disease, and cholesterol levels. Research findings in these areas are mixed. For this reason, people considering following a low-carbohydrate diet to lose weight should be advised of the potential risks in doing so.

    Research on how low-carbohydrate diets affect cholesterol levels is inconclusive. Some researchers have found that low-carbohydrate diets raise levels of HDL, or “good” cholesterol (Ebbeling et al. 2093). Unfortunately, they may also raise levels of LDL, or “bad” cholesterol, which is associated with heart disease (Ebbeling et al. 2094). A particular concern is that as dieters on a low-carbohydrate plan increase their intake of meats and dairy products—foods that are high in protein and fat—they are also likely to consume increased amounts of saturated fats, resulting in clogged arteries and again increasing the risk of heart disease. Studies have identified possible risks to cardiovascular health associated with low-carb diets, so the American Heart Association cautions that doctors cannot yet assess how following a low-carbohydrate diet affects patients’ health over a long-term period.

    Some studies have found that following a low-carb diet helped lower patients’ blood pressure (Bell 32). Again, however, excessive consumption of foods high in saturated fats may, over time, lead to the development of clogged arteries and increase risk of hypertension. According to the American Heart Association, “a high carbohydrate diet that includes fruits, vegetables, nonfat dairy products and whole grains also has been shown to reduce blood pressure.” Eliminating those foods in a low-carb diet may raise blood pressure because intake of sodium may increase and intake of minerals like calcium, potassium, and magnesium, all of which are important for maintaining healthy blood pressure, may be decreased. Choosing lean meats over those high in fat and supplementing the diet with high-fiber, lowglycemic index carbohydrates, such as leafy green vegetables, is a healthier plan for dieters to follow

    Perhaps most surprisingly, low-carbohydrate diets are not necessarily advantageous for patients with Type II diabetes. According to Tracey Neithercott, some people with diabetes are better able to control their blood sugar when they reduce their carb intake, but others are not, and there are no studies that prove one single approach is best for everyone. One problem is that there are no long-term studies of a large scale that have examined this issue in detail. Neithercott advises diabetics to monitor blood sugar levels carefully and to consult with their health care provider or a registered dietitian to develop a plan for healthy eating.

    Low-carb diets have garnered a great deal of positive attention, and it is not entirely undeserved. These diets do lead to rapid weight loss, and they often result in greater weight loss over a period of months than other diet plans. Significantly overweight or obese people may find low-carb eating plans the most effective for losing weight and reducing the risks associated with carrying excess body fat. However, because these diets are difficult for some people to adhere to and because their potential long-term health effects are still being debated, they are not necessarily the ideal choice for anyone who wants to lose weight. A moderately overweight person who wants to lose only a few pounds is best advised to choose whatever plan will help him stay active and consume fewer calories consistently—whether or not it involves eating low-carb ketchup.

    Works Cited

    Bell, John R. “Low Carb Beats Low Fat Diet for Early Losses but not Long Term.” OBGYN News 41.12 (2006): 32. Medline with Full Text (at EBSCOhost). Web. 15 Apr. 2014.

    Ebbeling, Charles B., et al. “Effects of a Low-glycemic Load vs Low-fat Diet in Obese Young Adults: A Randomized Trial.” Journal of the American Medical Association 297.19 (2007): 2092-2102. Medline with Full Text (at EBSCOhost). Web. 25 Apr. 2014.

    “High Protein Diets.” American Heart Association. American Heart Association, 2014. Web. 25 Apr. 2014.

    Neithercott, Tracey. “Are Carbs the Enemy? The Debate Over Eating and Diabetes.” Diabetes Forecast: The Healthy Living Magazine. March 2011. Web. 18 Apr. 2014.

    Writing at Work

    Following MLA style guidelines may require time and effort. However, it is good practice to learn how to follow accepted conventions in any professional field. Many large corporations create a style manual with guidelines for editing and formatting documents produced by that corporation. Employees should follow the style manual when creating internal documents and documents for publication.

    Checklist for Revision

    Ask yourself the following about your draft to help you revise for:



    • Does my introduction proceed clearly from the opening to the thesis?
    • Does each body paragraph have a clear main idea that relates to the thesis?
    • Do the main ideas in the body paragraphs flow in a logical order? Is each paragraph connected to the one before it?
    • Do I need to add or revise topic sentences or transitions to make the overall flow of ideas clearer?
    • Does my conclusion summarize my main ideas and revisit my thesis?

    At the paragraph level:

    • Does the topic sentence clearly state the main idea?
    • Do the details in the paragraph relate to the main idea?
    • Do I need to recast any sentences or add transitions to improve the flow of sentences?


    • Does the opening of the paper clearly connect to the broader topic and thesis?
    • Do entertaining quotations or anecdotes serve a purpose?
    • Have I included support from research for each main point in the body of my paper?
    • Have I included introductory material before any quotations so quotations do not stand alone in paragraphs?
    • Does paraphrased and quoted material clearly serve to develop my own points?
    • Do I need to add to or revise parts of the paper to help the reader understand how certain information from a source is relevant?
    • Are there any places where I have overused material from sources?
    • Does my conclusion make sense based on the rest of the paper?
    • Are any new questions or suggestions in the conclusion clearly linked to earlier material?

    Style and Tone

    • Does my paper avoid excessive wordiness?
    • Are my sentences varied in length and structure?
    • Have I used points of view (pronouns) effectively and appropriately for the assignment?
    • Have I used active voice whenever possible?
    • Have I defined specialized terms that might be unfamiliar to readers?
    • Have I used clear, straightforward language whenever possible and avoided unnecessary jargon?
    • Does my paper support my argument using a balanced tone—neither too indecisive nor too forceful?
    • Does my paper avoid vague or imprecise terms? Slang? Repetition of the same phrases (“Smith states…, Jones states…”) to introduce quoted and paraphrased material? Exclusive use of masculine pronouns or awkward use of he or she? Use of language with negative connotations? Use of outdated or offensive terms?

    Apply the following checklists to your paper before submitting your final draft:

    Grammar, Mechanics, Punctuation, Usage, and Spelling

    • My paper is free of grammatical errors, such as errors in subject-verb agreement and sentence fragments. For additional guidance, see: sentence writing, pronouns, verbs.
    • My paper is free of errors in punctuation and mechanics, such as misplaced commas or incorrectly formatted source titles. For additional, see: commas, semicolons.
    • My paper is free of common usage errors, such as alot and alright. For additional guidance, see: word choice, commonly confused words.
    • My paper is free of spelling errors. I have proofread my paper for spelling in addition to using the spell-checking feature in my word-processing program. For additional guidance, see spelling.
    • I have checked my paper for any editing errors that I know I tend to make frequently


    • Within the body of my paper, each fact or idea taken from a source is credited to the correct source.
    • Each in-text citation includes the source author’s name (or, if no author is given, the organization name or source title).
    • I have used the correct format for in-text and parenthetical citations. If my source gives page numbers, I have included page numbers in parentheses directly after the quote or paraphrase taken from that page or pages.
    • Each source cited in the body of my paper has a corresponding entry in the Works Cited at the end of my paper.


    • All entries in my Works Cited are in alphabetical order by author’s last name (or by title or organization if no author is listed).
    • My Works Cited is consistently double spaced (both within and between entries), and each entry uses proper indentation (“hanging indent”: indented on the second and all subsequent lines).
    • Each entry in my Works Cited includes all the necessary information for that source type, in the correct sequence and format.
    • My paper includes a heading (with your name, course information, and date) in the upper left-hand corner of the first page; if no heading is used or your instructor requests it, substitute a title page for the heading.
    • My paper includes a title that reflects the topic of my paper.
    • My paper includes a running head (page numbers, or a header in the upper right-hand corner of each page of the paper).
    • The margins of my paper are set at one inch. The text is double spaced and set in a standard 12-point font.
    Exercise 25

    Re-read your paper line by line. Check for the issues noted in the questions about style and tone and the checklists about conventions, above, as well as any other sentence-level aspects of your writing that you have previously identified as areas for improvement. Mark any places in your paper where you notice problems in style, tone, or clarity and then take time to rework those sections.

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