17.9: Being Clear and Concise

Some writers are very methodical and painstaking when they write a first draft. Other writers unleash a lot of words in order to get out all that they feel they need to say. Do either of these composing styles match your style? Or is your composing style somewhere in between? No matter which description best fits you, the first draft of almost every piece of writing, no matter its author, can be made clearer and more concise. If you have a tendency to write too much, you will need to look for unnecessary words. If you have a tendency to be vague or imprecise in your wording, you will need to find specific words to replace any overly general language.

Identifying Wordiness

Sometimes writers use too many words when fewer words will appeal more to their audience and better fit their purpose. Here are some common examples of wordiness to look for in your draft. Eliminating wordiness helps all readers, because it makes your ideas clear, direct, and straightforward.

• Sentences that begin with “There is” or “There are”

Wordy: There are two major experiments that the Biology Department sponsors.

Revised: The Biology Department sponsors two major experiments.

As you can see in the first sentence, the only thing “There are” adds to it is length. Note as well its syntax: “experiments” is the subject for the main clause, but “are” is its verb. Though not technically a passive-voice sentence, it might as well be: if you notice, “Biology Department” actually performs the sentence’s action, and the object of that action is, in fact, “experiments.” Far better, then, to revise the sentence.

• Sentences with unnecessary modifiers.

Wordy: Two extremely famous and well-known consumer advocates spoke eloquently in favor of the proposed important legislation.

Revised: Two well-known consumer advocates spoke in favor of the proposed legislation.

The first sentence is filled with redundant phrases (“extremely famous” sounds hyperbolic compared to “well-known,” which means the same thing, anyway) and adjectives and adverbs that may be true enough but do not appreciably enhance the sentence’s content. If the writer feels the need to persuade the audience that the advocates indeed spoke eloquently, the revised sentence effectively sets up opportunities, via summaries and direct quotes, to state to the reader what they had to say.

• Sentences with deadwood phrases (language that adds little to the sentences’ meaning).

Wordy: As a world leader in the field of green technology, the company plans to focus its efforts in the area of geothermal energy. A report as to whether or not to use geysers as an energy source is in the process of preparation.

Revised: As a world leader in green technology, the company plans to focus on geothermal energy. A report about using geysers as an energy source is in preparation.

“In the field of,” “its efforts in the area of,” and “as to whether or not to use” contribute very little to the sentence’s central idea. By deleting those phrases and tinkering with the wording of what remains, the revised sentence gains dramatically in efficiency without losing any needed meaning.

• Sentences in the passive voice or with forms of the verb “to be.” Sentences with passive-voice verbs often create confusion, because the subject of the sentence does not perform the action the verb denotes. Sentences are clearer when the sentence’s subject is also the agent, the “do-er” of the verb. Use strong active-voice verbs in place of forms of “to be,” which can lead to wordiness.

Wordy: It might perhaps be said that using a GPS device is something that is a benefit to drivers who have a poor sense of direction.

Revised: Using a GPS device benefits drivers who have a poor sense of direction.

Sure—“It might perhaps be said.” But why not just go ahead and say it, especially if that is the claim you or your source wants to make? Note also the efficiency gained when the writer changes “is something that is a benefit” to “benefits.”

• Sentences with constructions that can be shortened

Wordy: The eBook reader, which is a recent invention, may become as commonplace as the cell phone. My over-sixty uncle bought an eBook reader, and his wife bought an eBook reader, too.

Revised: The eBook reader, a recent invention, may become as commonplace as the cell phone. My over-sixty uncle and his wife both bought eBook readers.

In the original version, the second sentence has a compound structure, but each independent clause has the same predicate (verb and direct object). It is an easy decision, then, to collapse the two clauses into one, giving the verb a plural subject.

Choosing Specific, Appropriate Words

Most college essays should be written in formal English, suitable for an academic situation. Follow these principles to be sure that your word choice is appropriate.

• Avoid slang. Find alternatives to “bummer,” “kewl,” and “rad.”
• Avoid using “you” in formal writing. In everyday conversation and in our writing, we often slip into using “you” when we actually mean “people in general.” When writing formal papers, we need to remember that what we may want to say about people’s behavior in a given context may not apply to the person reading our work. So, then, use “you” only when you intend to address your reader directly. Otherwise, use 3rd-person forms of address when you want to speak about people in general.
• Avoid language that is overly casual. Write about “men and women” rather than “girls and guys,” unless you are trying to create a specific effect. A formal tone calls for formal language.
• Avoid contractions. Use “do not” in place of “don’t,” “I am” in place of “I’m,” “have not” in place of “haven’t,” and so on. Contractions are considered casual speech.
• Avoid clichés. Overused expressions such as “green with envy,” “face the music,” better late than never,” and similar expressions are empty of meaning and may not appeal to your audience. The same goes for words often used in social media, such as “insane,” “sick,” and “epic.”
• Be careful when you use words that sound alike but have different meanings. Some examples are allusion/illusion, complement/compliment, counsel/council, concurrent/consecutive, affect/effect, and historic/historical. When in doubt as to meanings, check a dictionary.
• Choose words with the connotations you want. Choosing a word for its connotations is as important in formal essay writing as it is in all kinds of writing. Compare the positive connotations of “proud” with the negative connotations of “arrogant” and “conceited.” Thinking carefully about the larger context (and mood) you want your paper to establish will help guide you in thinking about and choosing between/among words and their connotations.
• Use specific words rather than overly general ones. Find synonyms for “thing,” “people,” “nice,” “good,” “bad,” “interesting,” and other vague words. Or, use specific details to make your exact meaning clear.

Compare these two sentences:

1. The Colorado mountains are covered with trees.
2. The Colorado mountains are covered with aspen, Douglas fir, piñon, and red cedar.

“Trees” is so generic a description that the reader ends up not “seeing” very much at all. The second sentence, by comparison, is far more visual. What is more, your audience does not even have to know what these different tree species look like for that visual enhancement to happen: the writer can safely assume the audience knows that not all trees are the same color, and so that list of trees will trigger in their mind images of mountainsides comprised of varying shades of green.

See this page from the University of Colorado for a quick “cheat sheet” on avoiding wordiness, and see this video from the Writing Center at UNC Chapel Hill for help with conciseness from.