9.2: The Crabby Contractor

Here's a great example of a hermit crab essay. Again, it’s about a day-to-day event: getting new windows. The author, former student Barb L’Heureux, tells the story in the form of various memos from the contractors.

5/5/24 - Good afternoon, Ms. Jingleheimer Schmidt—may I call you Joan Jacob? As I mentioned when you hired me, I will be making periodic reports to you about the progress of your home remodeling project. To this end, I have hired many subcontractors for different aspects of the process. Corralling these workmen and women as we move forward remains my service to you. Please hold all questions until the end.

5/6/24 – Umm. We will be needing keys to your home and garage to move forward.

5/7/24 – The basement “excavation” began this morning. A front-loader would come in handy as the quantity of stuff (i.e., junk) staggered the crew enlisted to bring a semblance of order to this area. If one man’s junk is another’s treasure, you might make a bundle with all we safely remove from your cellar. Moving the majority of unused items (yes, there are still price tags on many) to a storage unit, we hope to interest the HGTV team that produces “Garage Sales Wars.” Our professional opinion of this aspect of your remodel seems convinced that your stuff—at night—indeed multiplies in the dark.

5/9/24 – According to Louis Parrish, esteemed psychiatrist, and author of Cooking as therapy: How to keep your soufflé up & your depression quotient down: "If you can organise your kitchen, you can organise your life." If I may be frank, your kitchen organization tends toward Early Modern Mess. While we realize and accept that cooking lies at the bottom of your many household skills, we also deem it important to find a place for everything and attempt at keeping everything in its place. Storing dishes and silverware in hanging mesh bags for the wash, rinse, and sanitize method of your childhood Girl Scout training lacks promise for your plan to entertain more friends and family in said kitchen. To that end as well, our kitchen expert plans for the installation of a sink, multiple cabinets, counters, a table and chairs, and a refrigerator of a more recent vintage where the freezer does not remain within the main area but has a door of its own. Have you considered a subscription to a meal kit company? There are limits to the quantity of frozen meals one ought to keep.

5/12/24 – May I use the word “appalled” when describing the chaos found in your bedroom by the crew in there? Yes, many internet influencers suggest the floodrobe method of keeping one’s clothes handy without the task of using drawers for folded clothes and a closet with a rod for hanging clothes requiring less unwrinkledness. We suggest bucking that trend and getting up to speed with the idea that the bedroom floor is not a storage space for clothes. At the very least, acquiring a treadmill that fits in your master bedroom will provide a starting place for you to learn the value of hanging things up.

5/15/24 – Your paper filing system stinks. In this day of computers with large storage capacities, you no longer need to print all your bills, invoices, and payment history. The team we hired to sort through this mountain of paperwork nearly fainted, collectively, when your office was breached. Indeed, we rented a catapult to assail the dis-order. We find no need to retain checkbook stubs from the last thirty years of your life. They can be tossed. Likewise, receipts for bills paid and invoices for items purchased in that same time frame serve no rational purpose and demand disposal. While we laud your intention to store your entire library of books within the two shelves in the office, we suggest a winnowing process as well as an organizing system--such as by topic or alphabetically by author—that no longer relies on grouping by height and then by color. Stability and safety demand no less.

5/22/24 – Only one project remains, Ms. Jones: the bathroom. Surely a more personal space exists not. Our subcontractor suggests two major changes: a tub/shower combination and a small under-sink cabinet for keeping items such as toilet paper and toiletries. While one might remember to grab another roll of the former from the storage shed in the yard before a more urgent need comes forth, one might not remember, and potty chaos ensues.

We recognize that sponge baths do have a certain cachet--leftover from the afore-mentioned Girl Scout days—they also do, however, lack the joy, tactile experience, and cleanliness that a tub or shower provide. While not found in the Bible or other religious texts, we all know from some corner of our childhoods that cleanliness is next to godliness. No doubt deodorant and cologne cover many an odor. We feel certain also that you—in your deepest well—desire not to offend anyone olfactorarily.

6/3/24 – Our job here is done. We all have striven to provide you with a home both functional and fun. It was Wendell Berry who said “Don't own so much clutter that you will be relieved to see your house catch fire.” While at first glance, many of us wondered if that method of clutter management might be more expeditious, over time, each independent worker began to see the trees for the forest of your abode. Much time was spent in contemplation of creating beauty and function from the haphazard form of your previous style of living. Indeed, the challenge captured our collective imaginations. We hope that installing several windows might also connect you to the world outside your home, the world of other people and nature.

And finally, speaking of nature, dealing with your four-legged, furry creature—we debated whether it be dog, cat, or wild creature—might demand another contract soon. It provides a challenge that none of us currently has the currency to consider.

A bill for our many services will be sent within a week and payment is expected within thirty days to a month. Please be sure to like us on Facebook, Instagram, X (formerly known as Twitter), and other social media sites. Word of mouth works wonders.

With gratitude and sincerity, your mother.