4.9: A Story of Revision

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Page ID: 315263

Mindy Trenary
Butler County Community College

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On the following pages is an example of Destini’s paper as marked by an editor on the OWL. (Please note that editor comments here are in a different font, though when you get your comments from the OWL, they will appear as text bubbles on the essay within Canvas.) For more details on the OWL, see pages 19-20.

Destini Gonzalez

EG 101

McCaffree-Wallace

March 3rd 2018 [Be sure this is in MLA format: 3 March 2018]

Vacation

I had a great time on family vacation this year, even though it wasn’t well planned. It all started on the fateful, hot day when we had to go to the airport for our flight to Arizona. We had thought about driving but it would take too long especially since we had a kid with us. [Watch for needed commas before conjunctions. If a conjunction (and, for, but, or, so) is holding together two complete sentences, you need a comma before the conjunction: ...driving, but it] But we didn't do a good job planning ahead to begin with, so we were packing up to the last minute. [Generally, don't begin sentences with conjunctions in formal essay writing. Some teachers care more about this than others, but it is a good rule of thumb to choose stronger transitional words to begin sentences: However?] We were throwing things in suitcases and running around the house yelling right up until we needed to leave. We didn't want to park our car at the airport for a week, so our friends came to pick us up. They were sitting in the driveway for awhile and [This is another conjunction that requires a comma. Look through the paper for needed commas with other conjunctions-- you do have a few more that need correcting.] even they were looking nervous by the time we made it out the door and put our bags in the car.

I didn't think it would take long to get through the airport, since it was spring break, I could not have been more wrong. [You have a comma splice here; this means you have just a comma holding together two complete sentences, but a comma needs a conjunction to hold together two complete sentences. You could also replace the comma with a semicolon or period to fix this issue.] There were long lines at the ticket counters, and I thought we could just carry on the bags, but then I forgot to make sure all the liquids were in smaller bottles. I asked my husband and daughter if they had put their liquids in small bottles, and their faces got really scared. They could tell I was about to loose it. [Spelling] So then we had to get in line so we could check the bags since those two can't pack for themselves. The line took so long, and then it cost way too much to check their two bags. It was close to $100 just for the two bags, so now it was costing me money and not just time since we didn't plan ahead.

Next, we didn't have anything to do on the plane because we didn't plan ahead. My daughter's bag couldn't be carried on since she didn't pack her bag correctly, and even though she is nine she was bored. Even after we had waited forever in line, we were still going to have to wait in the airport some and then be on the plane, and it was clear that she was already bored. She was trying to get my husband and I to play "I Spy" with her, and I knew this could only go on for so long. So we went down to a little shop and got her a book with activities and a notebook and some pens. When we sat back down before the plane took off, she and I came up with some ideas on stories my daughter could write while we were on the plane. She didn't even end up using the activity book. She just wrote stories the whole plane ride!

When we made it to Arizona. [You have a fragment here.] I did have some things planned but not everything. We had one tour in the Grand Canyon planned and obviously we had a hotel booked, but other than that, I hadn't thought to plan ahead or make reservations for other tours. Unfortunately, since this was spring break, it was hard to get tickets and reservations for touristy activities. We ended up playing mini golf one day and going to a mall the other day. But my daughter still had fun working on her stories in the new notebook I got her: she didn't even seem to notice the trip wasn't going well! Then, we finally got to go on our planned tour in the Grand Canyon. It was great! Everything was so pretty and just knowing how long everything took to form was crazy!

It was a fun trop in the end, even though I learned my lesson about planning a head. Or did I? My family and I are never organized on trips but we always have a good time anyway. [Some proofreading issues in the conclusion, and the conclusion is also quite short. Work on developing this more fully. Perhaps go a bit deeper here and tell why you think the trip was still successful, even though it didn't go as planned? Or maybe tell what you learned about yourself during this trip? Remember, you want to tell why your point is significant as you wrap up the paper.]

General Comments from OWL editor (In Canvas, these are posted in the comment stream):

Strengths: You have a genuine voice in this essay, and that makes it fun to read. You also did a good job paragraphing in the body of the paper, and the sentences generally flow well.

Weaknesses: Some issues with missing commas and sentence level issues, but your biggest issue here as to do with planning. At times, it feels like you sat down and wrote this from beginning to end and just let the story “wander.” Instead, you want to focus and pick only the best details to prove your point. I think this paper would be much more effective if you focused in on a smaller part of the trip, introduced your characters more thoroughly, and developed the introduction and conclusion to really set up your purpose.

After reading the OWL comments, Destini spent a few days revising her paper, deleting repetitive sentences, refocusing on her purpose, adding in more description and character development, and strengthening her conclusion. Read through the revision and consider how the paper has changed from the rough draft.

Destini Gonzalez

EG 101

McCaffree-Wallace

March 3rd 2018

An Impromptu Journey

The word “vacation” calls up images of families playing in the sand or hiking through the snow, but if we are honest with ourselves, most vacations also involve a lot of stress and plots ill-suited for Instagram or Facebook. The vacation my husband, daughter, and I took to Arizona over spring break was far from picture perfect, but we had fun in our own way. My daughter, Alyson, is easy to entertain. She is an amazing eight-year-old who has a huge imagination and is not difficult to please (thank goodness). My husband, Adam, is too laid back at times, so my heart attack-level stress in moments of crisis can be trying for him. But all three of us, my creative daughter, my easy-going husband, and my high-strung self, had a great vacation on our own terms last year, though the trip had its bumps and we all bore some bruises. It all started on the fateful, hot day when we had to go to the airport for our flight to Arizona.

We had thought about driving to Arizona, but it would take too long, especially since we had a kid with us. However, we did not do a good job planning ahead to begin with, so we were packing up to the last minute. My family ended up throwing clothes and toiletries into suitcases and running around the house yelling until we walked out the door. We didn't want to park our car at the airport for a week, so our friends came to pick us up. They were sitting in the driveway for awhile, and even they were looking nervous by the time we made it out the door and put our bags in the car.

When we finally made it to the airport, we had a full hour to get our tickets and board the plane, but it was spring break, so an hour was barely enough time. There were long lines at the ticket counters, and I thought we could just carry on the bags, but then I forgot to make sure all the liquids were in smaller bottles. I asked my husband and daughter if they had put their liquids in small bottles, and their faces went from excitement to fear: they could tell I was about to lose it. However, I looked into those faces that I love so much, and I realized I needed to calm down and swallow the fact that we would pay over $100 for checked bags and have to wait in a longer line to check them. In the end, though, the lines went faster than I thought, and we got to the gate with thirty minutes to spare.

Fortunately, we had a bit of extra time because as soon as we sat down, I realized Alyson would have nothing to do on the plane. My daughter's bag could not be carried on since she didn't pack her bag correctly, so she did not have the book she packed. Further, even after we had waited forever in line, we were still going to have to wait in the airport some and then be on the plane, and it was clear that she was already bored. She was trying to get my husband and I to play "I Spy" with her, and I knew this could only go on for so long, so we went down to a little shop and got her a book with activities, a notebook, and some pens. When we sat back down before the plane took off, she and I came up with some ideas on stories my daughter could write while we were on the plane. She didn't even end up using the activity book; instead, she just wrote stories the whole plane ride.

When we made it to Arizona, I did have some things planned but not everything. We had one tour in the Grand Canyon planned and obviously we had a hotel booked, but other than that, I failed to plan ahead or make reservations for other tours. Unfortunately, since this was spring break, it was hard to get tickets and reservations for touristy activities. We ended up playing mini golf one day and going to a mall the other day, but my daughter still had fun working on her stories in the new notebook I got her: she did not even seem to notice the trip was a flop! Plus, a nine-year old can have a lot of fun playing mini golf and hanging out at the mall. The hotel also had a swimming pool, and that helped to keep her entertained too. Overall, we had fun just hanging out as a family. Like a lot of people, we do not have lots of time to spend together in our everyday lives because we are so busy, so we all enjoyed having the time to relax and just be together.

Even though we had fun just being on vacation with each other, the tour of the Grand Canyon was the highlight of the trip. I had done a really good job researching Grand Canyon tours and rather than taking a simple walking tour, we went on a rafting tour of the canyon. We started the tour by driving through a huge damn; the damn is so big and important that they do not generally allow tours, and the bus had to go through a security checkpoint just to get in. After we unloaded off the bus, we had to wear hard hats all the way down to the water where we boarded our rafts. My family positioned ourselves on the side of the inflatable raft, so we could dangle our feet in the water to keep ourselves cool. The tour itself was amazing. The guide was very knowledgeable and told us that the waters in the river had been in the rocks of the canyon for thousands of years before it made its way out and into the river that flowed through the canyon. About halfway through the tour, we got off the raft and walked up to see some ancient Native American petroglyphs. We also got to see lots of wildlife while on the tour, so even though we only went on one tour during the trip, it made up for the lack of planning and banal activities we did the rest of the week.

In the end, it was a fun trip. Our pictures of the Grand Canyon tour made it onto Facebook and Instagram and got plenty of likes, but the rest of our trip probably would have made a vacation blogger grimace. However, my family is very lucky since we had a great time just being together, even though the entire trip was not too exciting. I am proud of myself that I did not stress out too much at the airport or beat myself up for failing to plan the perfect trip. I was also so impressed with my daughter on this vacation: she has grown up so much and become so creative. It is sad to say, but I have hardly had the chance to notice what a unique and imaginative girl she is becoming before we had the chance to slow down and hangout on this trip. By the end of the week, she had written a whole book of stories in the notebook I bought her at the airport, and I know I will treasure that book of stories more than any cell phone shot of us at the Grand Canyon. For that reason alone, I am thankful that our spring break was not a perfect vacation but an impromptu family journey.

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