3.3.8: Example Rough Draft
- Page ID
- 315261
\( \newcommand{\vecs}[1]{\overset { \scriptstyle \rightharpoonup} {\mathbf{#1}} } \)
\( \newcommand{\vecd}[1]{\overset{-\!-\!\rightharpoonup}{\vphantom{a}\smash {#1}}} \)
\( \newcommand{\dsum}{\displaystyle\sum\limits} \)
\( \newcommand{\dint}{\displaystyle\int\limits} \)
\( \newcommand{\dlim}{\displaystyle\lim\limits} \)
\( \newcommand{\id}{\mathrm{id}}\) \( \newcommand{\Span}{\mathrm{span}}\)
( \newcommand{\kernel}{\mathrm{null}\,}\) \( \newcommand{\range}{\mathrm{range}\,}\)
\( \newcommand{\RealPart}{\mathrm{Re}}\) \( \newcommand{\ImaginaryPart}{\mathrm{Im}}\)
\( \newcommand{\Argument}{\mathrm{Arg}}\) \( \newcommand{\norm}[1]{\| #1 \|}\)
\( \newcommand{\inner}[2]{\langle #1, #2 \rangle}\)
\( \newcommand{\Span}{\mathrm{span}}\)
\( \newcommand{\id}{\mathrm{id}}\)
\( \newcommand{\Span}{\mathrm{span}}\)
\( \newcommand{\kernel}{\mathrm{null}\,}\)
\( \newcommand{\range}{\mathrm{range}\,}\)
\( \newcommand{\RealPart}{\mathrm{Re}}\)
\( \newcommand{\ImaginaryPart}{\mathrm{Im}}\)
\( \newcommand{\Argument}{\mathrm{Arg}}\)
\( \newcommand{\norm}[1]{\| #1 \|}\)
\( \newcommand{\inner}[2]{\langle #1, #2 \rangle}\)
\( \newcommand{\Span}{\mathrm{span}}\) \( \newcommand{\AA}{\unicode[.8,0]{x212B}}\)
\( \newcommand{\vectorA}[1]{\vec{#1}} % arrow\)
\( \newcommand{\vectorAt}[1]{\vec{\text{#1}}} % arrow\)
\( \newcommand{\vectorB}[1]{\overset { \scriptstyle \rightharpoonup} {\mathbf{#1}} } \)
\( \newcommand{\vectorC}[1]{\textbf{#1}} \)
\( \newcommand{\vectorD}[1]{\overrightarrow{#1}} \)
\( \newcommand{\vectorDt}[1]{\overrightarrow{\text{#1}}} \)
\( \newcommand{\vectE}[1]{\overset{-\!-\!\rightharpoonup}{\vphantom{a}\smash{\mathbf {#1}}}} \)
\( \newcommand{\vecs}[1]{\overset { \scriptstyle \rightharpoonup} {\mathbf{#1}} } \)
\(\newcommand{\longvect}{\overrightarrow}\)
\( \newcommand{\vecd}[1]{\overset{-\!-\!\rightharpoonup}{\vphantom{a}\smash {#1}}} \)
\(\newcommand{\avec}{\mathbf a}\) \(\newcommand{\bvec}{\mathbf b}\) \(\newcommand{\cvec}{\mathbf c}\) \(\newcommand{\dvec}{\mathbf d}\) \(\newcommand{\dtil}{\widetilde{\mathbf d}}\) \(\newcommand{\evec}{\mathbf e}\) \(\newcommand{\fvec}{\mathbf f}\) \(\newcommand{\nvec}{\mathbf n}\) \(\newcommand{\pvec}{\mathbf p}\) \(\newcommand{\qvec}{\mathbf q}\) \(\newcommand{\svec}{\mathbf s}\) \(\newcommand{\tvec}{\mathbf t}\) \(\newcommand{\uvec}{\mathbf u}\) \(\newcommand{\vvec}{\mathbf v}\) \(\newcommand{\wvec}{\mathbf w}\) \(\newcommand{\xvec}{\mathbf x}\) \(\newcommand{\yvec}{\mathbf y}\) \(\newcommand{\zvec}{\mathbf z}\) \(\newcommand{\rvec}{\mathbf r}\) \(\newcommand{\mvec}{\mathbf m}\) \(\newcommand{\zerovec}{\mathbf 0}\) \(\newcommand{\onevec}{\mathbf 1}\) \(\newcommand{\real}{\mathbb R}\) \(\newcommand{\twovec}[2]{\left[\begin{array}{r}#1 \\ #2 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\ctwovec}[2]{\left[\begin{array}{c}#1 \\ #2 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\threevec}[3]{\left[\begin{array}{r}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\cthreevec}[3]{\left[\begin{array}{c}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\fourvec}[4]{\left[\begin{array}{r}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \\ #4 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\cfourvec}[4]{\left[\begin{array}{c}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \\ #4 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\fivevec}[5]{\left[\begin{array}{r}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \\ #4 \\ #5 \\ \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\cfivevec}[5]{\left[\begin{array}{c}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \\ #4 \\ #5 \\ \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\mattwo}[4]{\left[\begin{array}{rr}#1 \amp #2 \\ #3 \amp #4 \\ \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\laspan}[1]{\text{Span}\{#1\}}\) \(\newcommand{\bcal}{\cal B}\) \(\newcommand{\ccal}{\cal C}\) \(\newcommand{\scal}{\cal S}\) \(\newcommand{\wcal}{\cal W}\) \(\newcommand{\ecal}{\cal E}\) \(\newcommand{\coords}[2]{\left\{#1\right\}_{#2}}\) \(\newcommand{\gray}[1]{\color{gray}{#1}}\) \(\newcommand{\lgray}[1]{\color{lightgray}{#1}}\) \(\newcommand{\rank}{\operatorname{rank}}\) \(\newcommand{\row}{\text{Row}}\) \(\newcommand{\col}{\text{Col}}\) \(\renewcommand{\row}{\text{Row}}\) \(\newcommand{\nul}{\text{Nul}}\) \(\newcommand{\var}{\text{Var}}\) \(\newcommand{\corr}{\text{corr}}\) \(\newcommand{\len}[1]{\left|#1\right|}\) \(\newcommand{\bbar}{\overline{\bvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\bhat}{\widehat{\bvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\bperp}{\bvec^\perp}\) \(\newcommand{\xhat}{\widehat{\xvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\vhat}{\widehat{\vvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\uhat}{\widehat{\uvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\what}{\widehat{\wvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\Sighat}{\widehat{\Sigma}}\) \(\newcommand{\lt}{<}\) \(\newcommand{\gt}{>}\) \(\newcommand{\amp}{&}\) \(\definecolor{fillinmathshade}{gray}{0.9}\)Destini's teacher gives her the following assignment: Write a narrative in which you describe an experience where you learned something about yourself. Be sure to pick just one experience for this narrative, detail the experience, and add in some description to set the scene and add depth. Be sure the paper is at least two full pages, double spaced.
After some thinking, Destini decides she will write about her summer vacation. She had a lot of fun on vacation and is sure she learned something about herself, though she is not sure what it is. Destini is not much of a planner, so she decides to just start writing the essay and see what comes of it. Destini does spread out her work and type the paper over the course of two evenings.
Below is Destini’s rough draft. Read through it and answer the questions at the end of the paper. Then, see the eBook for a document with the OWL’s comments over this paper as well as a revised version of this paper.
Destini Gonzalez
EG 101
McCaffree-Wallace
March 3rd, 2018
Vacation
I had a great time on family vacation this year, even though it wasn’t well planned. It all started on the fateful, hot day when we had to go to the
airport for our flight to Arizona. We had thought about driving but it would take too long especially since we had a kid with us. But we didn't do a good job
planning ahead to begin with, so we were packing up to the last minute. We were throwing things in suitcases and running around the house yelling right up
until we needed to leave. We didn't want to park our car at the airport for a week, so our friends came to pick us up. They were sitting in the driveway for
awhile and even they were looking nervous by the time we made it out the door and put our bags in the car.
I didn't think it would take long to get through the airport, since it was spring break, I could not have been more wrong. There were long lines at the
ticket counters, and I thought we could just carry on the bags, but then I forgot to make sure all the liquids were in smaller bottles. I asked my husband and
daughter if they had put their liquids in small bottles, and their faces got really scared. They could tell I was about to loose it. So then we had to get in line
so we could check the bags since those two can't pack for themselves. The line took so long, and then it cost way too much to check their two bags. It was
close to $100 just for the two bags, so now it was costing me money and not just time since we didn't plan ahead.
Next, we didn't have anything to do on the plane because we didn't plan ahead. My daughter's bag couldn't be carried on since she didn't pack her
bag correctly, and even though she is nine she was bored. Even after we had waited forever in line, we were still going to have to wait in the airport some
and then be on the plane, and it was clear that she was already bored. She was trying to get my husband and I to play "I Spy" with her, and I knew this
could only go on for so long. So we went down to a little shop and got her a book with activities and a notebook and some pens. When we sat back down
before the plane took off, she and I came up with some ideas on stories my daughter could write while we were on the plane. She didn't even end up using
the activity book. She just wrote stories the whole plane ride!
When we made it to Arizona. I did have some things planned but not everything. We had one tour in the Grand Canyon planned and obviously we
had a hotel booked, but other than that, I hadn't thought to plan ahead or make reservations for other tours. Unfortunately, since this was spring break, it
was hard to get tickets and reservations for touristy activities. We ended up playing mini golf one day and going to a mall the other day. But my daughter
still had fun working on her stories in the new notebook I got her: she didn't even seem to notice the trip wasn't going well! Then, we finally got to go on
our planned tour in the Grand Canyon. It was great! Everything was so pretty and just knowing how long everything took to form was crazy!
It was a fun trop in the end, even though I learned my lesson about planning a head. Or did I? My family and I are never organized on trips but we
always have a good time anyway.
Exercise 3.8: Practice Peer Review
Read through Destini’s paper as well as her assignment on pages 66-67 and answer these questions by marking on the draft and writing some answers on a separate sheet of paper.
- Where is Destini’s thesis? If she has a thesis in the introduction, mark “TH” next to it. If she has no thesis, write one on your piece of paper.
- Does the thesis unify the paper? If not, how could the thesis be made to unify the paper?
- Check each body paragraph separately. Does each have a topic sentence and a transition? Where do these need to be added or strengthened?
- Check her introduction and conclusion. Are they long enough? What could she add to lengthen these paragraphs?
- Does Destini’s paper exhibit strong word choice and sentence structure? Highlight places she might join sentences or improve her word choice.
- Destini’s paper is still short of the 2-page minimum. What would you suggest she does to lengthen it?
- Check Destini’s paper for sentence-level issues. Does she have run-on sentences or fragments? Highlight problem sentences and suggest fixes.