1.9: Caught Between Two Worlds -Reading

Caught Between Two Worlds

[1]     Teenage years are challenging–for teenagers and parents. It is a time for teenagers to break away from their family and to begin to make a life for themselves. It is a time when parents need to let go of their children and recognize that their role has changed forever. Adolescence is therefore difficult for all families, but it is particularly challenging for immigrant families. In these families, teenagers and parents struggle with the adolescent years while also trying to adapt to an unfamiliar culture.

[2]     Many cultures have clear rules to guide teenagers through these years. There are clear rules, for example, about what is acceptable for a girl to wear and about dating. A daughter is not allowed to go out in the evening unless she is with her brother or cousin. She must wear certain traditional clothes. A son knows he must come home by a specific time. Teenagers understand this because they have grown up with these cultural rules. However, what happens to these rules when the family moves to a different country with a different culture? Do the cultural rules and expectations of the native culture still apply?

[3]     Many immigrant parents would answer yes. They need these rules to protect their children from the dangers of the new culture. Moreover, these rules worked for them when they were teenagers. So why shouldn’t they work for their children?

[4]     Many teenagers, however, have a different answer. They, too, have grown up in their native culture, and the rules and expectations are very important to them. However, they are now learning a new culture and probably learning it faster than their parents. The old rules do not work in the new culture. Freedom is very important in the new culture: freedom to question teachers and parents, to take personal responsibility, to make and learn from mistakes. Teenagers from immigrant families quickly learn there are no clear rules about being a teenager in this culture. Girls have boys as friends, but may or may not have a ‘boyfriend’. If a teen is dating, there are no strict rules about how to behave–even about sex. Life outside the home is complicated, and the old rules do not help.

[5]     Lien’s family provides an example of the conflict that can develop between family members during this time. The family moved to the States from Vietnam when she was ten. Her father was a car mechanic in Vietnam. They lived in a nice house and had a comfortable life. Her parents believed, however, that Lien and her twin brother, Thu, would have more opportunities in America. So, like many immigrant parents, they moved to a different country because of their children. “This is all for you and your brother”, the mother has told Lien several times a week since they arrived.

[6]     Lien was excited when she first arrived in Boston, but she soon found that life was not easy in America. Her father got a job, but he hated it. Her mother stayed in their apartment cooking traditional Vietnamese food for the evening meal. They didn’t make any American friends. Lien quickly learned English, but her parents found it very difficult. They only spoke Vietnamese at home. When Lien’s father was sick, Lien had to go to the doctor with him and explain what was wrong. This was very embarrassing for Lien and her father. At the grocery store, Lien’smother nervously stood behind her young daughter. Life was difficult, but the family was strong and stayed together. Everyone worked hard.

[7]     Things changed, however, when Lien and her brother, Thu, turned fifteen and went to high school. Thu made new friends with a group of teenagers. He got a job at a local store and used this money to buy baggy pants and sweatshirts. He grew his hair and pierced one ear so he could wear an earring. He started to go out at night and didn’t want to tell his parents where he was going. His parents were constantly fighting with him. They didn’t like his clothes or his friends. “Why are you wearing those clothes? You look like a gang member,” his mother would cry. “You shouldn’t be with those other boys,” his father would say. “They are a bad influence on you. You need to stay in and study. We came here for you and your sister, remember?”

[8]     Lien was caught in the middle of two worlds. She understood why her parents were worried, but she also understood that her brother wanted to be a teenager like the other kids his age. She too wanted more freedom, but she didn’t dare challenge her parents like her brother. As the family arguments became louder, Lien became quieter. She covered her ears in her bedroom as she heard her brother shout, “You don’t understand! You’re living in the old world. Just leave me alone.”

[9]     Thu finally left home in his last year of high school. He didn’t finish school. Lien’s parents disowned him; they refused to talk about him. They said to Lien, “this is all for you, Lien. You must work hard and do well.” Lien wanted to explain to her parents that she, too, needed some freedom, but she didn’t want any more fighting. So she kept quiet and worked hard.

[10]     Of course, many immigrant families live through the teenage years without breaking up like Lien’s family. However, most families experience some conflict during these years. Few parents can say they have never heard their teenage children saying, “You don’t understand.” Most parents say they often don’t understand their teenagers. So what can parents do during this difficult time to help themselves and their children?

[11]     Experts have several suggestions. Parents shouldn’t stereotype teenagers. Their clothes might be strange, but this does not mean they are bad kids. Second, teenagers do not like to be told to do things, but this does not mean they do not like rules. In fact, most teenagers feel more comfortable if there are rules to help them behave. Parents and teenagers must talk about these rules. They should listen to each other and compromise. For example, if the teenager wants to come home at 2:00 am, and the parents want him home by 10:00 pm, they can compromise on 12:00. Finally, it’s easy to criticize teenagers too much. Teenagers make a lot of mistakes, but that is part of growing up. Parents, however, must never only criticize. Instead, they need to praise the teens and look for positive things in their behavior.

[12]     It is difficult for immigrant teenagers to have one foot in the traditional world represented by their home and their family and the other foot in the “new” world of their friends and school. These teens often talk about living in an “in-between” place–feeling comfortable in neither the traditional nor the new world. In these situations, teenagers and their parents need to seek advice from people who have experience and knowledge of trying to raise teenagers in a second culture.